Staying happily married may take a little effort, but I am here to tell you the effort will be well worth it. More and more, I am hearing about couples separating or getting divorced, and often times it is very unexpected. Considering that approx. 40% of marriages in the US end in divorce or separation, (Wilkinson & FInkbeiner) most of us reading this likely know somebody who has been impacted.
There are many reasons why people divorce- communication issues, boredom, infidelity, lack of intimacy, abuse, and many others. If anyone reading this is in a marriage where abuse of any kind is occurring, I encourage you to seek help or find a way to separate from your partner immediately.
However, if you are bored, have communication issues, or feel like you are living with a roommate and not a husband, then please read on to learn some tips that can help you rekindle the connection you once had.
What’s love got to do with it
When you are married to your spouse for many years, you no longer have the butterflies or the lust feeling when they walk through the door. However, the love you do have can be so much better because you’ve shared in so much life together. It’s not that you’re dependent on one another, but you’ve learned you CAN depend on each other through the good, the bad and the ugly, which is so much more meaningful.
Unfortunately, since love does change through the years, it is easy to yearn for what you once had, instead of embracing what you now have and built together. It also means you may have to put in a little extra work to rekindle the flame which once came more naturally. The key to being happily married is understanding what makes you feel loved and what makes your spouse feel loved.
This may not make complete sense to you yet but read on to find out more about different love languages.
There is more than one love language?
I remember several years ago I was driving to work and stumbled on a Christian radio station, Family Life Today. Every day I would hear them talk about topics related to building strong and happy marriages and families. It was so encouraging, and I learned so much during my commute and I can honestly say, it helped make my marriage what it is today.
One morning they had a gentleman on the podcast, Gary Chapman, who was talking about a book he wrote called, The Five Love Languages. The cliff notes version is there are five different love languages, and we all fit into one or two of these love languages. If we understand what our spouse’s love language is, then we can express love to them in a way which makes them feel most loved. There is actually a quiz you and your spouse can take to better understand each other’s love language.
For instance, my love language is “words of affirmation”, so it’s important my husband tells me I’m beautiful, he’s proud of me, or anything which can help build my confidence. My husband’s, on the other hand, is physical touch meaning hugs, kisses, and other types of loving touch.
Once you and your spouse take the quiz you will be able to better understand each other’s love language, and this will make it easier to provide your spouse with the type of love they need.
Focus on the positives to stay happily married
Everyone’s personality is different and because of this how we approach things may not always be well received by our spouse. Also, after you’ve been married for several years, the rose-colored glasses come off, and you start seeing every single fault that your spouse has. This is not a good combination if you want to stay happily married.
Since I am a very strong communicator, I had the tendency to continuously remind my husband of all his faults, until it got the point that he felt he could do nothing to please me and eventually he just shut down. Of course, at the time I wasn’t understanding why my husband kept freezing up, which caused me to get angrier and resentful towards him.
After way too much time had passed, and realizing this was not working, I started to reflect on why. Since I was still listening to Family Life Today, I stumbled on an episode which talked about self-reflection. One thing they highlighted was if your spouse continues to shut down, you should reconsider your approach, because you may be the problem. Me the problem? I hardly doubt that! But as I continued to listen, I realized I was the problem.
Now it’s time to put it into practice
Once I understood this, I was eager to try what they suggested to see if it would make a difference. First, I did NOT ask my husband if I could talk to him. Sometimes this approach causes our spouse to automatically shut down because they are expecting the worse.
Secondly, start with something positive, so he becomes receptive to listening, and you need to take responsibility. I started the conversation saying, “honey, I want you to know I love you very much, and I realize when I try to talk to you, all I am doing is telling you everything I want you to work on instead of focusing on all of the wonderful things you do that I am so proud of, and I am sorry for that.” My husband was a lot more receptive to this, then me bantering on about everything he does that frustrates me.
Thirdly, now you can tell him what is bothering you, but do it in a way where you are not putting him on the defense. Here is how I approached this, “There are a lot of benefits to us being opposites in many ways, but when I get upset, I need to talk it out, but you always seem to shut down. Help me to understand the best way to help you open up more during these situations. What can I do differently?” I’m not accusing him of anything, but instead taking ownership and giving him an opportunity to tell me how he is feeling.
I was actually shocked at what a positive difference this approach made with our relationship, and how open my husband became once I was no longer putting him on the defense and giving him a safe space to open up.
This can definitely be a game changer, so before you begin the next conversation with your spouse reflect on your approach and identify how you might be able to say things differently. Which brings me to my next tip.
Looking for positives is key for staying happily married
It sounds simple, right? But for whatever reason, as the years pass, the annoyance of him leaving his socks on the floor is much greater than the happiness we get from him doing the dishes. Maybe it’s because it feels like we’ve told him a thousand times to please pick up your socks and when he doesn’t it feels likes he is not listening to us. It could also be that since we are saying, pick up your socks more often than thank you for doing the dishes, our mind focuses on the negative instead of the positive.
Regardless of the reason, we need to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive things our spouse is doing and then make it a point to give him accolades for doing them. The reason for this is when we praise them for doing something positive, it reinforces the positive behavior, which means they will be more likely to repeat that behavior. Everybody likes to receive positive recognition, and our spouses are no different.
Next time your husband puts his socks in the hamper or washes the dishes, make sure to tell him, “Thank you”, and let him know how much you appreciate him for doing it. It really does make a difference and is key for staying happily married.
Don’t assume they know, they don’t
I often listen to my girlfriends tell me they are upset with their husbands because they didn’t do something they were expecting them to. My immediate question back to them is always, “did you ask them to do it?”
I am not sure why we would ever expect our spouse to be able read our minds. As much as we may want them to, they can’t, and we shouldn’t be surprised about that. Where I would have concern is if you are continuously asking them to do something and they completely disregard your request. That is a whole other issue which we can save for another post.
Make your life easy, if you want them to do something, then simply ask them. If they do something without you asking them, consider it a bonus, but don’t get frustrated with them if they don’t.
Date nights are important to stay happily married
When was the last time you and your spouse actually went on a date? After having kids and being focused on their activities, we start losing focus on being a couple. A date night helps us to get alone time and reconnect as a couple.
One suggestion on this, don’t overcomplicate it. You don’t need to do anything extravagant, but instead simply schedule one evening each week dedicated to each other. It can even be an hour each week, tucked in your bedroom alone without any distractions. It really doesn’t matter what you do, it is more about investing 1:1 time with each other to reconnect.
My husband and I, several years back, attended a Weekend to Remember event in Hershey, PA. Since I had used many of the tips I heard on Family Life, and my husband was loving the impact it had on me, he was eager to attend.
Now I won’t invest too much time talking about all the aspects of this event, however if you’re interested in hearing more about it, comment below. What I will share is what had the biggest impact on me, which was when they asked us to say our vows. At that moment, I had an epiphany, specifically when saying, “I promise to love, honor, and cherish you.”
If we all lived out our vows on a daily basis, our focus wouldn’t be about what our spouse is doing for us, but what we can be doing for them. This would prompt us to be more compassionate towards each other and build the foundation needed to stay happily married. But for many of us, something changes after we take those vows and we become more focused on what’s in it for me.
So maybe the next time you schedule a date night take some time to revisit your vows together, and when you do, look each other in the eyes and reflect on all the beautiful things you’ve accomplished together!
These easy tips can help you stay happily married
Marriage is not easy, that is for sure. I can tell you I’ve had some highs and lows in my marriage, and some of those lows were lower than I would have wanted them to be. Now after being married for over 30 years, and feeling like we’ve climbed a gigantic mountain together, I can honestly say our love is so much stronger than the day we married. There is a trust built which can only come after venturing on this journey together.
There is always opportunity for improvement in a marriage, so I hope that after you follow the above tips, you will be happier in yours. One thing to remember is it will take a little time, effort, and practice.
I hope you found this post helpful, and I would love to hear from you on what worked and didn’t work based on your experience.
My hubbie and me
Marriages aren't perfect, but when you get on the other side of the mountain it definitely gets easier. After 30 years we are still happily married!