Communicate early and often
Communication is key for any relationship, but when you are on a life long journey with a partner, it becomes even more important. So many arguments can be attributed to poor communication, but if you mange this correctly it could be the key to a successful marriage.
Ground rules can really make a difference for this, for instance making eye contact or not interrupting each other during your discussions, and there are more helpful hints can review on this site.
However, the key to good communication in a marriage is to not sweep things under the carpet and to self-reflect to ensure you are not the source of the problem. It takes time to learn the best way to approach your spouse, and you can get helpful hints from my other post here. But if you are respectful, patient, and approach each other with positive intent you will avoid a lot of conflict through the years.
If they don’t treat you like a queen run
This tip should be self-explanatory, but for some reason women often think their partner will change after marriage. I am confident that if you poll married women they will tell you that this is not at all the case. People are not very quick to change, and your partner will likely be no different.
If they don’t prioritize you or make you feel like you are the most important person in their world when dating, then good luck changing that after marriage. The fact is, if you are third or fourth on their priority list, then you need to come to the realization that they may not be the right person for you or anyone else for that matter.
I often tell my daughters that their partner should be putting them on a pedestal, and they too should be treating their partner the same way. Things will not get better after marriage, in fact, mostly likely it will get worse. If your partner is not giving you all the love, respect, and quality time you deserve, then look for someone who will. Do not settle because you won’t feel fulfilled, and there are others out there who would love to spend quality time with you.
Make sure you have similar interests and you actually like him
Although there are many happy couples that don’t have all the same interests, it is important to have some things in common. In fact, sometimes it’s even beneficial to have something of your own that you can do separately from your spouse.
However, if you find that you have nothing in common, and you struggle to find fun things to do together, then that can take a toll on your relationship. You need to have that discussion early on to make sure you are compatible long term. Many of us believe when dating that all we need is love, but after several years that will definitely wear off.
The other best marriage advice you should know is that it’s important that you actually like your partner. Is he kind, does he get along with your family and friends, is he easy to talk to, and do you respect his values. If you see any red flags with his character or the way he treats people, then this is not the one for you. Your instinct will tell you all you need to know, so if something doesn’t feel right, move on.
Make sure your work ethic is similar
Once you get married, you begin the journey of building your life together. Hopefully through this process you are building each other up and encouraging one another to be the best version you can be.
If you have the same work ethic, and you’re not competitive with each other, this can be the most rewarding part of the relationship. However, if your work ethic is at opposite ends of the spectrum then this could be problematic.
You really want to look for a partner who has a similar work ethic as you do, otherwise you may find yourself becoming resentful. Whether it’s their professional work ethic, or getting the chores done around the house, you want someone who puts in as much effort as you do.
Keep in mind, there will be seasons in your life when one of you will need to do more of the heavy lifting, but overall it should be a shared partnership.
Talk about your desire to have children
Do you want children and does he? The best marriage advice I can give you, is to have this conversation before you get married. Not only if you want children, but if so, how many?
It is also important to discuss the what if. If we both want children, what if we can’t have them? Don’t shy away from this conversation because it is so important to be on the same page.
If you’ve always dreamed of having children and your spouse doesn’t want them, then this could be a deal breaker. It is better to know this information before you get married, and please don’t assume he will change his mind after marriage. If you really want children, do not settle for a man who does not.
Discuss your parenting styles
Now that you’ve established that you do want children, the next part is to discuss your parenting styles.
Will they be hands on, authoritative, or leave all the parenting responsibility to you?
There are many decisions that need to be made on behalf of your children and when your styles are aligned it makes it so much easier. If you are not aligned then this could be a source of a lot of arguments. Taking time to vet this out prior to marriage will help you avoid a lot of tension.
One final note on this, based on my experience, there is nothing more attractive then a father who is loving and kind to his children. If you are able to interact with children prior to marriage, nieces or nephews, this could give you both an indication of what your future will look like.
Prioritize each other and build each other up
Before and after children you are left with each other. Therefore, it is important that you prioritize each other throughout all seasons of your marriage.
Of course, when the children are young they need a tremendous amount of attention, but you should still build in time for each other. Even if it’s an hour a week, where you are simply focused on each other, you should prioritize quality time.
My husband and I didn’t do this very well after we had children, and our alone time became a little awkward. Once we established a cadence to connect and prioritize our relationship it became so much easier. It’s very enlightening when you go out to dinner and see other other couples around you, how many of them seem to be sitting together in silence. Is that something you want?
Lastly, since there are usually ups and downs in a marriage, continue to build each other up, be kind, and be patient with each other.
Remember along with your spouse comes their family
Like it or not, you are not only marrying your spouse you are marrying their family too. If you have a great relationship with their family that is wonderful, if not, it could easily cause a lot of issues in your marriage. Since issues can arise along the way, you will benefit if you create boundaries early in your marriage.
Similar to other red flags, if there are issues before you are married, count on them being there after. If he is a momma’s boy, and you sense it might be problematic, then I can assure you it will be. Another indicator would be if your partner indicates there is nothing more important than his family. It could be that you’ve already encountered some issues with them and if that’s the case you may need to rethink your long term plan.
Know what your deal breakers are before you say “I do
When you are in love with someone, or should I say are in lust, there are things that you don’t notice early on in your relationship. However, once you are married for several years they become more evident and irritating.
Before you get too deep into a relationship with someone, you should really identify your deal breakers or things that you know will become extremely annoying as the years go on. Does he spend too many hours gaming, do you like his laugh, is he a sloppy eater, is he more sarcastic then he needs to be, or does he have other habits that you think long term can be an issue.
Everybody has different pet peeves, so you need to understand what yours are and make sure you are looking for those early on. Some things may not be that big of a deal, but others could really start annoying you as time go. It may be hard to identify your triggers early on in the relationship, but if you really look you will find them.
The best marriage advice-If you want him to do something ask him
Being a mind reader is not one of my gifts in life. In fact, I would bet not too many people have this ability. This is why we should not be surprised that our spouse doesn’t usually know what we want until we tell them.
Therefore, I strongly encourage you to ask for what you want. If it’s important to you that he gives you a hug when he gets home, or spend 10 minutes each night talking before bed then tell him. Many times women waste a lot of energy being frustrated that their husband didn’t do something, but if you don’t tell them what you need, then how will they know?
Make life easy for the both of you, and if you want or need something tell him.
Prioritize date nights throughout your marriage
We covered prioritizing each other earlier, however this tip is related to prioritizing date nights specifically. It is very easy to get into a marriage rut especially after having children, which is why establishing date nights is important.
The cadence for your date nights can vary depending on the season you are in, however you should schedule and plan these similar to any other priority you have.
The best marriage advice I can share for this is to periodically make them special. For instance, if you are only able to schedule a monthly date night, every three months plan something a little more special. It can be an overnight get-away, a spa day, an activity you both wanted to try, or a dinner at a nicer restaurant.
If there is no money in the budget right now, then you can also do a home spa day, romantic dinner at home that you cook together, or even a picnic lunch with some of your favorite treats.
You need to determine what you can afford and how often, but the key is to plan something special. They need to be something you both can really look forward to as a couple. You can even take turns planning your date night if you like the element of surprise.
There are different seasons in a marriage so learn to be flexible
As we all know, life changes, people change, and marriages change too. There are seasons in a marriage where the burden will weigh heavier on one spouse more than the other. The reasons for this could be a parent’s illness, work promotion, or one of you could just be mentally drained.
Regardless of the reason, these seasons will come and it will require you to be more flexible with each other. It’s easy to become resentful when this occurs, but take a moment to reflect and understand this too shall pass.
Of course, if there seems to be a pattern that is concerning you then talk about it. But if you are communicating throughout your marriage, and are aligned on the same goals, then you can work together to push through the highs and the lows.
Love changes through the years
This is the best marriage advice my mother gave me, and something most couples struggle with as the years pass. I would love to say that the feeling that we had when we first met our partner will last through eternity, but that is not the case. You can easily get bored in your marriage, but you both need to take ownership to change that.
As much as we would love to go back to the days where we have butterflies in our stomach every time we see our partner, we can’t. Therefore we need to embrace the stage we are in. After 30 years of marriage, I am here to tell you that love gets so much better once you get over the mountain.
The key is to understand that your relationship will change, which is why you need to invest time with each other throughout the years. You need to be sure you are building your life together as a couple and not living separate lives.
Of course people change through the years, but as long as you communicate, are both committed, and trust one another then you have what it takes to be successful. Otherwise after 10 or 15 years pass, you may no longer recognize each other.
Create your own traditions or routines as a couple
Whether it’s cooking dinner together every Saturday night, working out together, or starting your mornings off drinking coffee together, having a regular routine you share can bring you closer.
You can also start holiday or annual traditions that you can do as a couple or family, which can create additional closeness in your relationship.
The little things you do as a couple really have a big impact on your relationship. It’s your way of staying connected and creating a special bond. The great part is this can be anything, as long as you are doing it together and it makes you both happy.
Anticipate boredom and make adjustments
Marriage is not easy and often couples start to get bored with each other. You can easily get frustrated and blame your spouse during these moments, but what would be better is to focus on what you can do to make a positive change.
It is not a matter of if you will get bored, but when. If you are expecting it and can plan for these moments, then things will run much smoother.
The other best marriage advice is to continue to communicate how you are feeling with your spouse. You both need to work together to find the best solution that will work for you both. Some good options are to plan a vacation, introduce a game night with friends, or maybe start some type of hobby together.
The key is to understand it will occur and when it does, take responsibility to improve your situation instead of blaming your partner. Control what you can control.
Focus on the positives
It’s funny how some of the things we thought were cute when we were dating becomes an irritant after being married a couple of years. Although your spouse must have many positive qualities, we tend to forget about them and focus on their opportunity areas.
As the years pass, it seems like the negative qualities become more obvious. However, you can make a decision to focus on their positives. If we continue to dwell on all of their negative behavior instead of encouraging the positive, then we will continue to be frustrated.
Here are some tips, if they are doing the dishes, giving the kids a bath, or doing something nice for you, make sure to tell them how much you appreciate them and how thankful you are.
Luckily most men respond to encouragement, so this could prompt him to continue to do these things more often. This is also helping you to look for the positives in your spouse, many of which you might’ve forgotten about.
Be kind and always respect one another
Regardless of the person or situation, everyone wants to be treated with respect. When I was younger, the best marriage advice I received was the importance of being kind and remaining respectful even during an argument.
The other thing I would add is to fight fair. If you know something really bothers your spouse or is their Achilles heel, then don’t use it against them.
Ultimately, if you want to have a successful marriage then you should treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated, with respect and kindness.
Although this sounds so simple, you would be surprised how easy it is to forget this during an argument.
Go to a marriage retreat or marriage counseling if needed
Marriages are not easy and they are a continuous work in progress. Often times, marriages hit bumps in the road that may require outside help. If that is the case, I would strongly encourage you to seek marriage counseling for help.
You’ve already invested so much time in your marriage, it is worth taking all the necessary steps you can to help your marriage survive.
Also, several years into our marriage my husband and I participated in Weekend to Remember which I would highly recommend to any newly married couple or a couple who wants to reinvigorate their marriage.
The above tips are the best marriage advice that I would give my younger self, and I would love to know yours.
Marriage is such a journey with many highs and lows. But after 30 years of marriage, I can honestly say it is all worth it!
Thanks for reading and please add your comments below so we can all learn from each other.