If you want to learn how to communicate effectively, this is the blog for you. Regardless of wanting to improve your personal or business relationships, you need to focus on understanding what the other person wants and needs. I recently listened to a podcast with Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit. He shared how being a strong communicator is not something we’re born with. However, with a little bit of practice you can get better at it. If you do, you will find you will have less friction in your relationships.
I am going to try and summarize based on what Charles Duhigg shared. There are really two components to focus on which will help you to develop and learn how to communicate effectively. The first component is to understand there are three types of conversations that occur during a typical interaction. Secondly is to make sure you loop for understanding.
If you practice speaking less and listening more, you can pay attention to which type of conversation is occurring and respond accordingly. The problem is many people are listening to respond as opposed to listening to hear the other person. This is preventing them from understanding the type of conversation the other person wants to have. However, if you can master this, you will be well on your way to being a Super Communicator.
Another reason why people struggle with effective communication is because subconsciously they are trying to convince or control the conversation. Often times when we are speaking with someone who thinks differently than us, we are more focused on what we can say that will convince them to believe what we do. Therefore, we are approaching from a place of control prior to really understanding the other person’s perspective. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how much evidence you can share. You won’t be able to convince them of anything if they don’t believe you are listening to them first.
It’s often said that we don’t always remember what others say, but how they make us feel. Based on this, our goal for every conversation should be to walk away learning more about the other person and making them feel good about themselves. In order to do that, you need to learn how to communicate effectively and identify which conversation the other person is having so you can take their lead and flow together.
Let’s breakdown the three types of conversations
Practical-This conversation sets the stage at the beginning of the conversation to help you understand the intention of the interaction. What is this really about? If you tell a joke, does the other person laugh or smile. Does it seem to be more of a formal interaction as opposed to informal. Use this as your opportunity to experiment to see what kind of reaction you get from the other person. Once confirmed then mirror the conversation to their response.
Emotional– This conversation provides insight around how someone is feeling. Your goal is to allow the other person to express themself, acknowledge you understand, and get them to share more. The key here is to not try and upstage the other person. Simply say, I have gone through something similar myself, and then ask them a question related to what they just shared. For instance, if a co-worker shares how tired they are because they didn’t sleep last night, respond with “I’ve had those kinds of nights myself. Do you have a lot on your mind recently?” You’re showing them you can relate, but you are more interested in hearing about them.
Social – This conversation explains how we see each other and how society sees us. During this conversation you want to allow them to share their unique identity and how they see the world. We all have many different identities; American, mother, father, brother, a minority, so you want to encourage them to share more about their complete identity. By giving them this opportunity, it allows you to more easily find a commonality. This conversation is key to really understanding their perspective on why they may have strong beliefs or opinions about something which may differ from yours.
Why does learning how to communicate effectively matter
The reason it’s important to differentiate between these conversations is because often conversations are mismatched. Take a married couple for instance. A woman may come home from a bad day of work and start to share her frustrations with her husband. Often times, instead of just letting her vent and ask clarifying questions, the husband immediately provides ideas to fix the problem.
This becomes extremely frustrating for the wife because she is having an emotional conversation and just wants to be heard. On the other hand, her husband is having a practical conversation. Because they are not having the same type of conversation they fail to connect.
In order to learn how to communicate effectively, you need to loop for understanding, which is the second component to be a better communicator. This is basically a three-step process which confirms to the other person you are listening to them, and you care about what they are saying.
Here are the steps to Loop for Understanding
Step 1– Ask them a question that is relevant to what they just shared.
Step 2– Repeat back in your own words what you heard.
Step 3– Ask them if you got it right.
Although these seem to be pretty simple, if we are not paying attention we can easily move on from a topic before the other person is ready. This tells the other person that we have our own agenda and loses their trust.
There are other ways to read a room
Did you know when two people are having a conversation and are in synced they tend to imitate each other? If one person is using an unusual word, the other person will start to use that same word. Often when one person smiles or laughs the other person will start shortly after. These are the conversations that make us feel energized because both parties are fully aligned during the interaction, and they make us feel fulfilled.
On the other hand, if you find somebody is crossing their arms or their hands, this indicates they are not connecting. In these instances, you may want to ask them what they want to talk about. You can also ask them a deep question proving to them you are safe, want to listen. If they eventually share something vulnerable to them, respond with something vulnerable to you. This will prove to them you are willing to be emotionally invested with them.
If you’re still curious to learn how to communicate effectively, then identify the super communicators in your life.
How do you recognize a super communicator
If you want to know how to recognize the super communicators in your life, think about who you typically want to talk to after you’ve had a bad day. Who do you normally call that makes you feel safe, lets you know you are heard, and makes you feel better after speaking with them. They are not necessarily the most polished speaker, but you always feel like they are present. Also, when you call them and they are in the middle of something, they will let you know it’s not a good time. They would prefer to call you back when they can focus on your conversation.
Other characteristics of a Super Communicator
- Super Communicators often pause and ask themselves “why am I opening my mouth” prior to speaking.
- They tend to laugh more.
- Super Communicators often ask a lot of questions. Many of these questions are so casual they may not even register as a question. “What did you think about that, what did you say next or how did you feel?”
- They are willing to admit when they don’t understand something and ask for clarification.
Start putting it into practice
In order to learn how to communicate effectively, you need to start putting some of these things into practice. Start by paying attention to the type of conversation that is occurring. Ask deep questions to help you understand the other person’s values, beliefs, and experiences. This will allow you to build their trust.
Instead of asking, how was your day, ask about an experience they had during the day or a memorable moment. Ask something that is more specific and indicates to them you are present and not just filling silence.
If you want to have less friction in your relationships, then you need to train yourself to listen and understand what others are trying to say. Start asking deep questions, repeat back in your own words what you heard, and then ask if you got it right.
This will allow you to confirm you understood correctly, and also start to build trust in your relationship. With a little bit of practice, you can learn how to communicate effectively, build stronger relationships, and ultimately live a healthier and happier life. If you are looking for other relationship tips, you may want to read my other blog on building happier marriages.